Square-Dance Olympics

So I see there haven't been many posts here in the last...oh say 4 months or so.

Completely unacceptable.

Why, you ask? Why?

I'm not sure why. You all have highly successful personal blogs. Why the need to put stuff here? Is it for further anonymity - something you couldn't post under your established Blog-dentity, which may or may not be true to your real identity?

It's good to have a place to go. When you need a place to go to get away from your place to go, then that's not bad either. We all need a place of our own, even when (or especially when) we cohabitate with someone else (and various pets or offspring).

So, I've learned precious few things in this life. Actually, and for posterity, here is the complete list:

1. Open yogurt lids slowly, pointed away from you
2. Don't open every tool on a Swiss Army knife at the same time
3. Always give it a 2nd, 3rd and even 4th shake - the last bead can be hard to shake loose
4. Live for today - you may not wake up tomorrow
5. Since you may not wake up tomorrow, make sure you hide your porn/old love letters/racy pictures well
6. Appreciate your family, even if they are completely insane and horrible to be around. You share their blood, if not necessarily their taste in clothing and sanitation
7. Don't worry about offending people - most folks can't think critically and if we walk on eggshells around them, it will just frustrate us more
8. Celebrate the lovely female form in every semi-respectful way possible. Playful slaps, strokes, pinches and noogies to your spouse are actually appreciated
9. Free speech is the foundation of this country. That, cheap taxes and religious freedom.
10. Bonzai gardens look like a lot of work.
11. Boomerangs should only be thrown by qualified Australians
12. Have fun at work...even if it means creating a fantasy world of twirly gumdrops and chocolate rivers near the break room.
13. Fantasize frequently and freely- think about sex often. But always stay true to your mate.
14. If you have bugs in your house, then you're disgusting and need to change habits. You also need an exterminator.
15. If you have a choice between cheap or expensive toilet paper, spend the extra money. Your ass will thank you.
16. Love and care for animals - it will be returned to you 1000 fold
17. Never bite directly into an habanero, also never touch your rod or balls after handling habanero
18. Pick a nice first name for your kids...Apple, Prince, Sharmonica, D'Artagnan, Bayne - all bad
19. Thin pizza rules all - unless you're actually in Chicago. Then go thick.
20. Seriously, masturbation is ok. Doesn't matter if you're twelve or 84...it's Ooooooo Kkkkkkk. Seriously.
21. If you're getting maple syrup, go for Grade B - it's more mapley.
22. Read books, watch movies and listen to music - all good for your brain (despite what experts say)
23. Don't be afraid to see a counselor/shrink/psychiatrist
24. Smoothtop stoves are a bitch to clean. A total bitch. Boiling water becomes a pita...
25. Learn one instrument...if you can't, then learn a language...if you can't then see #20.
26. Make some kind of list of the shit you need to do, then cross off one thing at least...and celebrate like its 1999. Don't get down with all the To-Do's left...eff that. Too little time.
27. Buy good shoes...you only have one pair of feet. Eff Wal Mart's shoe dept.
28. Find interesting men and women and hang out with them...don't let them know you have no idea what they are talking about
29. Don't be afraid to gamble in life...desk jobs, unfunny spouses, and $1 Show bets are boring. Sometimes you just gotta just take out your c*ck and flop it on the table, lay it on the line (figuratively of course) - *Ladies, the analogy would be to either show your t*ts, or go without underwear. Both work.
30. Don't lick envelopes, they can cut your tongue and taste disgusting. Use your finger if you have to, or better yet a sponge.
31. Keep yourself hydrated...peeing all the time is ok, as long as your mindful of #3
32. You can do a lot to help your kids grow up right, but they may still turn out to be assholes. It might not be your fault, so don't freak out about it. As long as they're not in jail, spreading babies across multiple counties, or cookine meth in the trailer, they're doing good.
33. Don't drink old milk. Seems obvious, but you should see the number of people who don't pay attention to this.
34. Some charities totally suck, but not all. Find some good ones and donate your time or money.
35. Bad glasses can ruin a beautiful face. Spend some time picking out frames.
36. Be open to new things and new experiences - we're always learning until the day we die.
37. Learn how to tell a story - it helps when you're in awkward social situations, at work, at home...pretty much everywhere. Nothing is worse than a good story told badly.
38. Accept suggestive pictures from the lovely Ladies of the Blogosphere (hint)
39. Try to write something more than every 9 months or so
40. Read 15 Minute Lunch - its an inspiration for doing things right (#37)...we all have great life stories to tell, and we should.
41. I'm out of things to say
42. Well almost out
43. Everyone thinks they're a misfit somehow, and we're all right. So don't feel bad. Revel in it. Roll around in it. Smear a little on yourself, laugh and take on the world. It feels good.

Thanks for reading, all 1.5 people of you!